Worrying about falling into one of the common dating pitfalls for men over 40? From miscommunications to missed opportunities, you wouldn’t be the only man in your age group to struggle in the romance department!
Luckily, there are some tried & true solutions that can make dating in your 40s fun again. Let’s take a look at the most common mistakes and how to avoid them!
Not knowing what you want
One of the most common things that women complain about dating men over 40 is hearing phrases like “I’m still figuring things out” or “open to whatever.” While you may think that keeping things vague keeps your options open, phrases like this actually have the opposite effect. Potential matches are less likely to give you a chance if you come off as wishy-washy and unsure of what you want.
Instead, carefully consider the kinds of relationships that actually appeal to you. That way, you can be clear in your online dating profile (more on that later!) or in your interactions with potential partners.
Setting dating goals that don’t align with what you actually want
As a man over 40, we can bet that you were raised with a fairly limited idea of what you should want romantically. The expectation was that you would find a woman, settle down, have kids, and live happily ever after.
The problem is that kind of relationship doesn’t work for everyone. And the more that you try to force it into existence, the more dissatisfied you can become with your dating life, which is harmful for you and any partner who can never make you happy.
So think, instead, about what dating goals would actually make you feel fulfilled. If outside pressure weren’t a factor, in other words, would you be open to trying polyamory? Sugar dating? Short-term or non-committal relationships? Or, maybe that traditional route is what you want, but you’re worried that admitting it makes you feel desperate or soft.
Remember, this is your life. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to make it look like what others expect it to be and focus instead on what you want.
Being uncomfortable talking about your preferences
No one that you date is going to be able to read your mind, which means that you’re going to have to express yourself at one point or another. And this can refer to your sexual desires, whether you want to be exclusive, how you want to be talked to or treated, goals for the future, the list goes on.
Of course, it’s easier said than, well, said to a partner. So, you might have to practice pushing through the discomfort of opening up to the person you’re dating.
Not being genuinely interested in getting to know someone new
Along with profile pictures of men holding up the fish they’ve caught and never being seen without a baseball cap, a common complaint that many women have is feeling like men over 40 aren’t interested in getting to know them.
And this isn’t always intentional, nor does it mean that you’re a narcissist (at least, not necessarily.) It could be that you’re shy or not talkative. Or maybe, you spend most of your free time with your guy friends in comfortable silence, which is fine with you.
But when you’re getting to know a potential partner, they’re going to want to feel that you’re interested in learning more about them. So, be ready to ask questions and follow-up questions, remember details, and show genuine interest in their hobbies, work, family, and more.
Believing that you’re set in your ways
You’re not an old dog, which means that you can learn new tricks. And actually, even old dogs can learn new tricks. So, there’s really no excuse for this dating pitfall that men over 40 tend to fall into.
Whether it’s improving your listening skills, learning to share your space with a partner, or taking dance lessons because it’s what your date suggested, there are many new things that you can and should lean into when dating someone new. Otherwise, you’re just one step closer to being that grouchy, stubborn old man who sits on his porch all day. And you are not that man.
Avoiding online dating
Many people over 40 feel intimidated by the thought of online dating. Aside from the hassle of having to create a profile, upload pictures, and write about yourself, there’s the whole process of chatting with strangers and trying to figure out if you have chemistry through a screen.
But the reality is, the majority of single people in the world use dating apps to find romance. So, you could be shutting yourself off from many, many opportunities if you don’t lean into the online dating movement.
That being said, there are some key ways to make it easier:
- Find one dating platform and stick to it. There are online dating platforms that cater to specific styles of dating. So find one that aligns with your dating goals and put all of your energy into that one. If, after a couple of weeks or months, you’re not getting the results you want, switch to another platform and give that one a try.
- Invest a good amount of time in building your profile so that it does the heavy lifting for you. So many men make the mistake of uploading whatever most recent selfie they can find on their phone and writing a couple of simple sentences in their bio. But think of this as an investment! If you can put effort into making your profile great, now, the more engagement you’ll enjoy and the better the algorithm will be at matching you with the kind of people you’re looking for.
- Spend a set amount of time daily on the app. In general, the apps will prioritize and “reward” people who are more active online. But being too connected to your dating app can lead to fatigue and burnout. So, our suggestion is that you set aside about a half hour to an hour to be online between 7 pm and 10 pm during the week, when most dating apps are more popular.
Shutting yourself down before anyone else has the chance to (and other self-sabotaging behaviors)
Self-sabotage is common among single people of all ages and genders, and you might be falling into this habit without even realizing it! Some signs that you might be guilty of this habit include:
- Negative self-talk, such as “they’re out of my league,” or asking yourself, “what could someone who looks like that ever see in someone like me?”
- Picking fights over small things.
- Continuing to see other people, not because you want to, but because you want to keep your options open.
- Being unfaithful to a partner after establishing a monogamous relationship.
These behaviors are often based on a fear of rejection or a desire to try to protect oneself from the possibility of being hurt. And you might not realize that you’re doing it because you’re not ready to address your insecurities or anxieties around dating. But, keep in mind that pretending that you don’t have insecurities doesn’t mean that they won’t play a role in your relationships. So, if you want to make lasting, healthy connections, it’s a good idea to consider whether you’ve fallen into this habit in the past and why.
Going AWOL at the first sign of conflict
Think about the way that you’ve learned to deal with conflict in relationships in the past. Are you likely to avoid problems and hope that they blow over? Do you end relationships at the first sign of conflict? Or, are you able to sit down and talk things through in an honest and respectful manner? If your answer is the third option, you can go ahead and keep on doing what you’re doing. But if your tendency is to run away from conflict, consider how you might be able to grow in this area. After all, no relationship is 100% without conflict. And good communication and emotional regulation can ensure that you’re able to navigate disagreements and challenges without them escalating to full-blown fights.
Bringing old heartbreaks into new relationships
You might have heard the saying, “different people are different people,” and this can change the way that you approach new relationships. That’s because you might not be conscious of the ways that you might be comparing new partners to your exes or assuming that new relationships are going to be the same as your old ones. Not only can this kind of thinking limit you, but it can be unfair to new partners who deserve the benefit of the doubt.
So, when you’re with a new partner, consider how you might bring your focus into the present moment with an open mind. To be sure, you won’t be able to let go of everything that you went through with your exes (and there are certainly things that you shouldn’t let go of). But, see if you can find a healthy balance between learning from past relationships and giving new relationships the space to be different and surprise you.
Not confiding in anyone about your dating experience
Your social network might be made up of plenty of friends, family members, gym buddies, and colleagues. And they may even ask you about your dating life. But how much do you really open up?
Unfortunately, by not getting any kind of outsider feedback or giving yourself the space to process what you’re going through, you could be repeating old patterns or accepting treatment that is unfair. Having even one or (better yet) a few people in your life with whom you can talk about your dating experience can help you build better relationships.
If you don’t have anyone in your life that you feel comfortable talking to, or you feel that their opinions or advice don’t apply to you, consider talking with a licensed therapist or dating coach. This person is even better equipped to give you helpful tips and guide you to be more self-aware while dating and building new relationships.
Focusing on the negative of dating after 40, instead of the positive
There are so many reasons why dating in your 40s and beyond is better than at any other life stage. Just think about how much more life experience you have now that can make you a better partner and person than you were at 20! What’s more, for many men at this stage, this also tends to be a period of financial stability in which you might have more control over your living situation and ability to create a satisfying, healthy lifestyle. This can make dating feel more accessible than it did when you were living with roommates and working entry-level jobs!
Overall, no matter if you had different ideas of what your life would look like at this age, don’t forget to stay positive and focus on the good. And, we’re not just saying this to make you feel better. Actually, having a positive outlook and sense of optimism can make you a more appealing partner. So, you’ll want to look on the bright side and believe that things will work out.
Are you ready to say goodbye to these common dating pitfalls for men after 40?
In this article, we’ve covered some of the most common mistakes that men make after 40 when trying to find a romantic partner. And while you won’t be able to fix them overnight, making small changes to the way you approach dating can lead to enjoying a more satisfying and healthy dating life over time. So, which dating pitfalls for men after 40 are you going to tackle first?
