Introvert dating can sometimes feel like an impossible task. After all, you receive so much dating advice that just doesn’t seem to resonate with you! As introverts, we’ve all heard, “You just have to put yourself out there!” and “It’s a numbers game, the more you date, the sooner you’ll meet your person!”
But, when social interaction drains you, all you want is for the right partner to magically show up at your door—preferably already in their pajamas and with your favorite snacks in hand.
Unfortunately, that’s probably not going to happen. The good news is, you also don’t have to become an inauthentic extrovert in order to find love. In this article, we’ll offer some helpful advice on how to navigate introvert dating without depleting your social battery every time. You might even start to enjoy it!
Take a look at these words of advice from fellow introverts looking for love!
Tap into your introvert superpowers
The first step in starting to enjoy the introvert dating world is to let go of the idea that you are somehow less than others or that dating has to be inherently more difficult for you. In fact, there are many reasons why dating as an introvert is a benefit, including:
- Your level of comfort being on your own. If you enjoy your own solitude, you’re in a great position to be more discerning about who you allow into your world. This is a good thing! It means that you won’t feel obligated to say yes to someone just because you don’t want to be alone.
- Your listening skills. Introverts are great listeners, and that can make for an enjoyable, interesting date.
- Your ability to connect on a deeper level. In addition to being great listeners, many introverts are also profound and deeply emotional people. This can mean that they breeze right past self-talk to delve into the meaningful conversations that foster connection and intimacy.
- Your self-awareness. Introverts tend to be self-aware and reflective which is another huge asset in dating. We’ll talk more later about how to use this to pursue the right connections!
- Your creativity. Many introverts are artists, writers, designers, or other professionals who require creative problem-solving like software programming or event planning. Your creativity not only makes you a more interesting person but can also make you better at dating by giving you the skills to plan interesting dates, surprise your partner with thoughtful gifts, and more.
As you can see, there are so many positives to being an introvert, so keep these in mind, especially in moments when you might feel overwhelmed by dating!
Choose a dating community that is the most accessible to you
It may take some testing out of the waters in different dating communities until you find the one that works best for your personality. Here are a few of the top platforms and communities popular for introvert dating:
- OkCupid
- eHarmony
- Bumble
- Facebook Dating
- Singles events in your area
- Feeld
- Secret Benefits
- Your local running club
- A local art collective
Set aside time to respond to messages
You might find that you’re overwhelmed, not only by being around other people but also by the deluge of messages that might come your way on online dating apps.
To make this part of online dating a little easier, consider setting aside about a half hour to an hour every day to focus on chatting, similar to a college professor’s “office hours.” When you’re not in your virtual office, turn the notifications off. You can also let the people you’re chatting with know that you limit your time online so that they don’t take it personally if you don’t respond right away.
Don’t feel the pressure to talk to too many people at once
There’s pressure when dating to be open to as many options as possible so that you don’t miss out on potential matches. But this can make dating overwhelming and unsustainable.
Instead, allow yourself to focus on one to three people at a time. As soon as you start to feel yourself gravitating towards two, and then one, you can decide whether it’s time to end the conversation with everyone but your top choice.
Now, it’s important to acknowledge here that we’re not talking about formalizing the relationship or broaching the subject of exclusivity too early. Instead, we’re suggesting that you only keep conversations going with a small number of potential partners to avoid burnout.
Be strategic with date planning
Maybe it’s the idea of physical dates that makes introvert dating feel stressful to you. Luckily, there are a few ways to make this part of dating easier, and even fun!
- Choose a time of day/week when you’ll be the most energized. Planning a date after your busiest day at work will leave you with a very low social battery while giving up your treasured rest day for a date will leave you feeling resentful. So really think about when would be a good moment to have a date (keeping in mind that you may have to be a little bit flexible!)
- Plan the date around activities that you enjoy. There’s no rule that says that you have to go to dinner and the movies on a first date. Instead, think about activities that you would do with a friend or on your own, such as a trip to the botanical garden, a bike ride, or other relaxing activity.
- Choose a location that’s easy to get to. Again, you don’t want to show up to a date with your energy depleted, so choose a strategic location, such as one that you don’t have to travel an hour on public transit to get to or fight for parking.
Have a go-to date outfit
We’ve all been there: you have forty minutes until your date and you’ve tried on everything in your closet only to decide that nothing looks good. This is a moment when your introverted side starts to creep in, trying to convince you to cancel the date and just stay home.
One way to keep this from happening is to have a “signature” date outfit. This doesn’t have to be exactly the same outfit every time. But it can be a style that makes you feel most comfortable and is easy to put together. Always have a version of your date outfit clean and ready to go for the next time you need it!
Have questions at the ready
As we mentioned, introversion doesn’t mean that you don’t like to talk, but rather that you prefer deep conversations to superficial small talk. Still, you might find that during a date, your nervousness makes it difficult to get into the kinds of conversations that make you feel most connected and engaged.
So, consider going in with a few icebreaker questions that can help to get the ball rolling. We know, we know: icebreakers are an introvert's worst nightmare. But you might enjoy these ones:
- What is a subject that you could give a Ted Talk on with no preparation?
- Who is the first person you talk to after a first date to let them know how it went?
- If you’re having a really bad day and you want to order food to make yourself feel better, what is your order?
Stay present
For someone who feels out of their element during a date, you might feel the desire to distract yourself by looking at your phone or checking the time to see how much longer until you get to be at home in bed. Or, you might be stuck in your own head wondering whether things are going well. These are all potential barriers to connecting with the person sitting across the table from you.
Remember that dating someone initially may feel uncomfortable. But, as the two of you bond and become closer, they could start to make up the part of your life that feels comfortable. And that will only happen if you’re able to put your discomfort aside in order to make a connection.
So, as much as you can, put your phone away, make eye contact, ask follow-up questions, and be genuinely curious.
Don’t feel bad about cutting a date short
A date could be going wonderfully or it could be excruciating, and either way, you could decide that you’d rather end it because your social battery has run out. This is absolutely within your power, and you don’t have to feel bad about it.
That being said, there are a few things that you can say to make this moment more palatable:
- “I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I’m starting to feel really tired. I think it’s about time for me to call it a night.”
- “I’m hoping that we can pick up this conversation again when I have a little bit more energy. Right now, I’m feeling a bit exhausted and am ready to go home.”
- “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way because I’m having a great time. It’s just that I can feel my energy levels dipping and that means it’s time for me to go home.”
Of course, you don’t owe anyone a reason as to why you want to leave. But these phrases can help if you really do want to see someone again and are simply ending the date because your introverted side needs to recharge!
Give yourself time to decompress
For an introvert, both bad and good dates can be draining. And that can leave you feeling confused after a first date, questioning whether you’d like to see this person again. So, make sure to take the time and space you need to come down from that place of high energy or stress. Here are a few things to think about (and maybe journal about) while you decompress after a date:
- The highs and lows of the date.
- Moments that you felt cared for and considered during the date.
- Whether you felt that this person was curious about you/wanted to get to know you.
- Whether any moments of awkwardness were signs of nervousness or incompatibility.
- Conversations topics that you’d like to loop back to if you see them again.
It’s a good idea to give yourself enough time between dates to be able to completely process these considerations and move forward intentionally.
Remember that bad dates are not wastes of time, they are simply practice
Maybe, during your decompression process, you realize that you had a bad date. Maybe they didn’t ask you any questions about yourself or maybe you weren’t attracted to them enough to want to see them again.
As an introvert, it can be easy to fall into a thought pattern of “This is why I don’t date” or “Dating is too hard/exhausting” or “I’ll never find someone for me.” But, these kinds of negative assumptions aren’t helpful and can prevent you from engaging with the good parts of dating.
Instead, consider how you can change your mindset to make introvert dating more accessible. For instance, keep these affirmations in mind after a bad date:
- Bad dates are just practice.
- Not everyone is for everyone, and that’s okay.
- Incompatibility doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with either person.
- Some people come into your life to show you who you don’t want to have in your life.
- The best next step after a bad date is a different date, not to quit altogether.
Take the time you need to recover after a bad date and then start planning your next one. Over time, you’ll learn that the occasional bad date isn’t anything to blow out of proportion and that there are plenty of other people out there that you’ll connect with more easily!
Pursue connections that make you feel safe to be an introvert!
As you start going on first dates and building connections, pay close attention to the kinds of people who make you feel safe and valued as an introvert! It’s entirely reasonable to want to find someone who:
- Doesn’t constantly bring you on dates that they know are out of your comfort zone. Someone who knows that you’re an introvert and continues to plan dates where you’ll be in a crowded place or meeting a lot of people all at once is not your ideal partner.
- Doesn’t change plans last minute. Introverts often benefit from consistency and predictability, and it can be draining to be with someone whose plans are constantly in flux.
- Validates and honors your alone time. Someone who cares about you will want to make sure that your needs are being met. So, they will never make you feel guilty about needing alone time.
Introvert dating: how will you make it work for you?
At the end of the day, being an introvert is all about being connected to your unique needs and preferences. And it’s your incredible sense of self-awareness and commitment to self-care that will allow you to create a dating practice that works for you.
So, while we’re happy to share some useful practices and affirmations to make the process easier, you actually have the tools to create the dating experience that you want.
How will you make introvert dating more enjoyable and satisfying for you?
