You’ve heard all of the platitudes about how to let go of someone, but what are the methods that actually work? Luckily, there are some tried-and-true techniques that make getting through a loss much easier.
In this article, we’re covering 10 practical tips to jumpstart the emotional recovery process.
1: Go no contact
Many psychologists encourage a period of “no contact” with your ex after the breakup. This is because continued contact can slow down the healing process and create confusion and regret. Here’s why:
- You may subconsciously be looking to your ex to soothe your pain instead of learning self-soothing techniques. It can be difficult to realize that your ex is not going to be the one to ease the pain that you’re going through, even if talking to them brings you some relief in the moment. In order to fully heal, it will be necessary to learn alternative coping mechanisms such as self-soothing or reaching out to loved ones.
- Your brain will take longer to reroute neural pathways that bonded you to your ex. Romantic relationships literally change our brain chemistry! And when you maintain contact with an ex, those neural pathways will stay in place, giving you the sensation that you’re still together. By cutting off communication, your brain will start to rewire those pathways so that you can move on.
- You may compare your healing journey with your ex. When you go no contact, you don’t have to put yourself through the pain of hearing about your ex’s new partner or how well they’ve been doing after the breakup.
- If there was an element of toxicity in the relationship, your ex will still be able to affect your emotions. No contact can be a useful technique in any breakup, but it is especially important when dealing with unhealthy relationships. Cutting off contact will ensure that your ex is no longer able to emotionally manipulate you.
That being said, sometimes no contact is not an option, such as in situations with shared children. When going completely contactless isn’t available, see if you can set strong boundaries about only talking to your ex when necessary and avoiding emotional conversations.
2: Limit all possible exposure
We mentioned that cutting off interaction can help rewire your brain. But this is less effective if you’re still scrolling through old pictures and checking in on their social media.
As it turns out, there’s a neurological explanation for this. Science shows that when we’re shown pictures of a romantic partner, feel-good chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, are released in the brain. And in the wake of a breakup, when the brain is starved for these happiness hormones, we go into withdrawal. So, we may seek out any opportunity to feel that “hit” of chemical release, even if we know that it will leave us feeling worse than before.
All of this to say that if you’re wondering whether you should check your ex’s stories for the umpteenth time today, don’t! Avoiding exposure will help you overcome the withdrawal period sooner.
3: Stay busy
Staying busy is such an important part of the healing process, and can benefit you in a variety of ways including:
- Giving you a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Breakups can make you feel lost and directionless, but staying busy will help to keep you grounded.
- Lowering stress. An active lifestyle in general is linked to lower stress levels. Of course, you won’t want to overbook your schedule, but having regular activities, social engagements, and hobbies can help you manage stress levels.
- Encouraging healthy routines and sleeping habits. We’ll talk later about the importance of sleep when learning how to let go of someone. But you’ll find that it’s much easier to set up healthy sleeping habits when your days are active and full.
4: Try something new
Learning new things is a powerful brain-changer, and can be very helpful in the wake of a breakup. That’s because learning something new releases dopamine in the brain by activating our reward center. Given that grief is a time of dopamine withdrawal, this is a great way to move along the recovery process more quickly.
That being said, you’ll want to be intentional about where you’re seeking out his new dopamine source, focusing on activities that:
- Are achievable. If a new activity is too complicated or difficult, such as throwing yourself into an extreme sport or traveling solo to a country where you don’t speak the language, you could end up feeling worse off than before. Instead, choose goals that are challenging enough to keep you engaged but reasonably achievable. This might include a pottery class, surf lessons, or learning a new language.
- Connect you with other people. Finding a new activity that comes with a built-in support system is a great way to move forward after a breakup!
- Don’t fall into rebound territory. Now, some people find this dopamine source by getting right back into the dating game. And while it is true that connecting with a new romantic partner can give us a quick dopamine hit, this might not be the best way to get over someone. Instead, focus on new activities that tap into your creativity or require focus.
5: Reach out to friends (strategically)
Getting support from your friends while figuring out how to let go of someone can be profoundly helpful. They may serve as a sounding board for you to talk through the breakup or get you out of the house for some fresh air. And, simply being in a friend’s company can make you feel less alone.
That being said, not all friendships will help you recover, and it’s a good idea to identify the people in your life who actually have a positive effect on your healing process. Look out for these green flags for friends who can help:
- They don’t judge you for what happened. No matter what the specifics of the situation are, you don’t need a friend to be piling on with their judgments about how things ended.
- They don’t judge you for how you’re feeling. You may be feeling a range of emotions after a break-up, from sadness to anger to moments of happiness and relief. These are all valid, and you should allow yourself the space to feel them.
- They don’t tell you to just get over it. Every person’s healing journey takes a different amount of time. And, comments from friends that it’s time to get over it will not make that process move any faster. Rather, it could prolong your pain.
- They don’t compare your breakup with their past experiences. Sometimes your friends will want to share their personal experiences as a way to show they understand what you’re going through. But comparisons should not be used to invalidate your feelings or make you feel bad.
- They are there for you when you need them. Your friends may not be able to drop everything to be at your side, but the good ones will make an effort to help you as much as they can during this difficult time.
- They check in with you. When you are on your own, a good friend will check in on you to see how you’re doing.
- They encourage you to move through the healing process in a healthy way. A good friend won’t encourage you to scroll through your ex’s social media, call him, drink the pain away, start dating again too soon, or seek revenge.
If you do feel like some of your friends don’t quite know how to support you at this moment, don’t become upset or resentful towards them. The truth is, not everyone understands how to help someone get over an ex. Instead, tell these friends that you’d rather not talk about the breakup.
6: Talk to a professional
If you don’t have any friends or family members who you feel can support you through this period of your life, consider talking to a professional psychologist or counselor instead! This can also be a good option if you feel that your friends have become oversaturated with the breakup talk or are too busy to be there for you as much as you need support.
A professional therapist will also have the tools to help you get through a breakup faster than you would with someone who isn’t trained in healing and recovery. So, this is a great option even if you do have a support system already.
7: Find a way to process your emotions without ruminating on them
As you go through the process of learning how to get over someone, you’ll need to find the right balance between feeling your emotions and preventing yourself from spiraling. That’s because excessive rumination—about your ex, why things ended, or what you could have done differently—will prevent you from being able to move forward and heal. But, on the other hand, pushing down or denying your feelings will also slow down the creation of new neural pathways. So, you’ll need to find a middle ground.
According to Harvard Business Review, writing is a great way to strike this balance and can be therapeutic for people healing from trauma. In particular, writing about past experiences reduces stress, depression symptoms, and rumination, while boosting self-esteem and even our immune systems.
The exact reasons for this aren’t well-documented yet, but scientists theorize that it has something to do with the way that writing facilitates neural pathway reorganization in the brain. In other words, as you write about the loss, your brain is able to rewire the way that you feel about it. And this typically leads to a less negative view of the event.
If you’re not interested in writing, you may also achieve similar benefits with mindfulness meditation or art.
8: Get some sleep
Sleep quality and mental health are closely linked, and it’s no surprise that you might find yourself having trouble sleeping while going through a crisis like a breakup. But, if you can prioritize sleep during this transition period, it will have a positive impact on your emotional healing. There are a few things you can do to make sure you give your body time to rest during this time:
- Go to bed around the same time every night.
- Turn off your electronics or place them in another room about an hour before bed.
- Read, write, meditate, or practice breathing exercises before bed.
- Increase your exercise levels during the day.
- Don’t lie in bed waiting for sleep to come. If you feel like you cannot sleep, it’s better to get out of bed and do something calming, such as reading or writing, and then try again in a little bit.
9: Treat yourself as you would with a fever
Many of the home remedies for the common cold or flu can actually be helpful when you’re in a state of mental distress! So, take this time to care for yourself as you would if you were going through a physical illness, by:
- Staying hydrated
- Making sure you’re eating healthy foods
- Prioritizing rest and sleep
- Daily gentle movement and fresh air
- Avoiding alcohol and other substances
10: Give yourself the closure you’re craving
Closure is something that we talk about a lot as a society, but it’s not always possible or actually helpful in the healing process. After all, break-up conversations often don’t solve our feelings of uncertainty, loss, or betrayal. Instead, we must go through the individual process of healing in order to move on and feel better.
If you find yourself seeking closure, consider giving it to yourself! Here are some helpful tips from experts:
- Accept that you may never get answers to your questions. It’s normal to have many questions after a breakup as you try to make sense of what happened. But it’s uncommon to get answers or even if you do, feel satisfied with the answers that you get. So, work towards letting go of the need to know.
- Congratulate yourself on how you’ve taken care of yourself through this process. You are the one who is going to get yourself through this process, so you should acknowledge your strength and effort.
- Allow yourself to envision a future without them. Whether you were ready for it or not, this chapter of your life is closing and you have the power to shape what the next one will look like.
Learning how to let go of someone is hard, but you’re already doing great
The fact that you are looking for tips on how to let go of someone you love is a sign that you’re already on the path toward healing. It may feel like you have a long journey ahead of you, but eventually, you will start to feel relief and ease from the pain of the breakup.
