Trying to figure out the difference between loving someone versus being in love? Like having too many delicious food options and getting too many compliments on your new haircut, this is a good problem to have! After all, it means that you have someone special in your life that you clearly care about deeply. And, you just have to figure out what your heart really feels for them.
In this article, we’ll clarify what it means to be in love and share some questions you can ask yourself to get to the bottom of this conundrum. By the end, you’ll be able to decide whether you’re infatuated or truly love someone.
What is love, really?
It’s been the question of philosophers, psychologists, authors, and musicians for generations. But despite years of musing, we still don’t have one set definition of what love really is. Most working theories of love include some combination of the following characteristics:
- A feeling of attachment
- Affection
- Tenderness
- Pleasure or elation as the result of proximity or interaction
- A genuine desire to know about and care for the other person
- A desire for intimacy (although this may not be present in asexual couples)
- Vulnerability and trust
And there are scientific explanations for these feelings, too! When you fall in love, your brain releases a combination of feel-good chemicals, including dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. These chemicals give us the sensations of reward, attachment, and bonding that make relationships so satisfying!
That being said, there may be a difference, many experts admit, between falling in love and loving someone. Some camps will say that being in love is like infatuation, romantic fantasy, or lust while loving someone is something more long-term, steady, and able to weather life’s challenges.
So, if you’re in a moment of feeling love for another person, how can you know if it’s a long-term commitment kind of feeling or a passing phase? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to find out!
Does it feel like a thrill ride when you’re with your partner?
Being infatuated with someone will give you that adrenaline-fueled feeling of being on a roller coaster. You’re also likely to feel nervous to see them or experience sweaty palms and butterflies in their presence. Physical attraction may also be a big part of this stage of falling in love with someone.
The thrill ride feeling is a clear indication of infatuation, but it’s not necessarily a sign that you won’t develop a deeper love for this person! If you find yourself in this stage, you might have to wait for the initial high-octane feelings to subside before you know whether there’s a deeper love underneath.
Do you find yourself idealizing them?
Another common characteristic of the infatuation phase is becoming a little bit delusional about the person you’re seeing! For instance, you might put them on a pedestal at this stage, thinking that everything they do is perfect. And like the thrill-ride feeling, this tendency is likely to fade with time, but it’s important to make sure that you don’t fall into the mistake of justifying poor behavior as a result of your idealization.
Another important sign that you’re in the idealizing infatuation phase is that you may also feel like you have to be perfect in front of this person. Small mistakes and blunders may bring you immense shame, and your nervousness might influence you to act like a different person.
The more time you spend with someone and start to love them more deeply, you’ll start to see them more as human and feel comfortable being human, yourself. In other words, loving someone means understanding and accepting their flaws and still wanting to stay connected to them.
Do you crave them when you’re not together?
The early stages of falling in love with someone are associated with very high levels of dopamine, which are related to the reward center in the brain. This can give us an almost gambling-addiction level of attachment to the person we’re seeing. And, you can know that you’re in the stage if you feel like you want to spend literally every moment with your new love interest.
With time, loving someone will mean understanding that your time away from each other is valuable and necessary for the health of the relationship. And, because there is a level of trust and commitment, the separation won’t lead to emotional distress or longing.
Do you feel like you can count on them in your time of need?
An early relationship that is built on infatuation may not be as reliable as a loving one. So, think about whether the person you’re seeing is someone you would call in your time of need. This might be when you’re sick, moving, dealing with the death of a family member, or another important moment in which you could use support.
If you don’t feel like you would be comfortable calling them, or you have asked them for help in the recent past and they haven’t helped you, it’s likely that your relationship doesn’t have the strong emotional bond that comes with loving someone.
Are they genuinely interested in your life?
Being in love with someone often makes you feel like you want to be with this person constantly. But, that’s not necessarily the same thing as having a genuine interest in each other’s lives. After all, interest isn’t just the desire for physical closeness. It’s also:
- Being invested in what is going on in your life, including school, work, health, family, or friendships.
- Wanting to ensure that you’re okay mentally and physically.
- Checking in to make sure that your basic needs are met, including sleeping well and getting enough to eat.
- Wanting to learn more about your worldview, opinions, and political leanings.
- Learning your tastes, preferences, and pet peeves.
In other words, loving someone means having a desire to learn what makes that person unique and special.
Are you confused about where your relationship is headed?
When you are infatuated with someone, you might have fantasies about where the relationship is going. But, until genuine love has developed and you’ve formalized the relationship, it’s common to feel unsure or insecure about the status of your connection. Confusion about your relationship might look like this:
- Being worried that you’re coming off too strong and will scare the other person.
- Unreliable communication.
- Wondering whether you’re exclusive.
- Not being sure how to introduce your partner to new people.
- Not being sure how your partner will introduce you.
- Being worried about having a conversation about defining the relationship.
Loving someone, on the other hand, means that you and your partner don’t question the status of your relationship and are clear about where you stand. You’ve already had the conversation about what you mean to each other and there’s no question about how to introduce each other to friends and family.
Have you talked about the future?
Future planning is common in loving relationships, and typically goes beyond simply planning future dates or romantic weekend getaways. Instead, future planning tends to look like this:
- Talking about the possibility of moving in together
- Talking about the possibility of marriage
- Talking about the possibility of having kids
- Adopting pets together
- Extensive travel together
- Whether to stay in the current city or move somewhere else
To be sure, not every loving relationship has to include marriage, kids, or buying property together. But people who are serious about committing to a partner will want to have these conversations to make sure they’re on the same page.
Are you involved in each other’s social lives?
Early in a relationship, you may wonder when it’s time to start introducing each other to friends, colleagues, and family. Loving someone versus being in love may determine how easy the choice is to start blending social lives.
If you think that you’re in love, you may hesitate to start these introductions. The relationship still feels new, exciting, and maybe unpredictable. And you may want to wait until those initial thrilling feelings wear off.
Loving someone, on the other hand, will mean that you feel sure about making them a part of your life. Most likely, your loved ones have already heard everything about this partner and are anxious to meet them. And the same goes for your partner, as well!
Are you able to open up to each other without fear of rejection?
Vulnerability and trust is a key part of a loving relationship. But, it’s not always a component of infatuation. That’s because building trust takes time: it’s a slow process of testing the waters! Here are a few milestones for building the bond for a loving relationship:
- You’re able to talk about your inner thoughts, past experiences, and opinions without fear of judgment.
- You are able to move through conflict with respect and a willingness to make things right.
- You feel comfortable during intimacy to be able to share with your partner how you’re feeling and what you’d like to change or explore.
- You can talk to your partner about insecurities in the relationship without fear of rejection or invalidation.
If you are struggling to trust or open up to a partner, it’s possible that they aren’t willing to foster a deeper bond with you. They may need more time, or they don’t want to enter into a loving relationship.
Conclusion: Loving someone vs being in love
At the end of the day, self-reflection is the best way to know what your true feelings are. So, take the time to go through each of these questions thoughtfully and honestly so that you can know: is it love or is it infatuation?
