Returning to the Dating Scene After Divorce: A Fresh Start

Dating after divorce comes with so many mixed emotions! You might be worried about trying again or feel unsure about how to navigate an unfamiliar dating landscape. And there might also be a part of you that is excited to explore new sparks and connect with your single self again!

The fact that you’re looking for advice on how to approach this new phase of your dating life shows that you’re ready to take this next step with care and thoughtfulness. And with these helpful tips from psychologists and dating experts, you’ll be well on your way to making the most of dating after divorce!

Give yourself a grieving period (if you need it)

This is the most common piece of advice for dating after divorce, which means that it’s a good one! And giving yourself time to grieve can offer the following benefits:

• Time to express and process the negative feelings from the divorce. Dating too early can be a way to escape or push down the difficult feelings that come with divorce instead of dealing with them head-on. And those feelings have a way of coming out, whether you want them to or not.
• The opportunity to perform a marriage review. What are the things that you want to do differently in your next relationship? What do you want to recreate? Having the time to perform this final review of your marriage can ensure that you’re not simply falling into the same patterns with a new relationship.
• Emotional distance. One of the common experiences of dating too soon after divorce is that you might find yourself constantly thinking about your ex, comparing your new partner to them, or being triggered by things that remind you of your marriage. Time won’t completely repair this problem, but it can make it easier to navigate.

Now, you’ll notice that we threw in a caveat there: if you need it. After all, every situation is different, and you might find that you’ve already gone through a grieving period before the divorce was finalized. Still, we would recommend taking some time away from dating to make sure that you’re really ready.

And, the big question that always comes with this piece of advice is: how much time is normal to start dating again after divorce? Again, there’s no black-and-white answer here! Some people will feel ready to get back out there after a couple of weeks or months, while others won’t feel ready for a year or more.

Consider what kind of dating style you’d like to try

Once you’ve decided it’s time to start dating again, take a moment to think about what kind of relationship is right for you at this moment. After all, just because you were in a marriage doesn’t mean that you have to seek out another long-term commitment! In fact, this is a time when many people explore different dating styles to get to know themselves and their desires better. Some options available to you can include:

• Short-term hookups
• Friends-with benefits
• Sugar relationships
• Polyamorous or open relationships
• Platonic relationships
• Traditional romantic relationships with or without prospects for marriage

There are so many different kinds of connections you can explore after marriage. So consider which ones might appeal to you before you start dating.

Find the right dating app for you

One of the reasons why it’s so important to think about your preferred dating style before you actually start dating is so that you can be intentional about where you look for potential partners. For example, if you’re looking to try polyamory, you might start on a dating app dedicated to that community, such as Feeld. Or, if you want to see whether sugaring is right for you, you might start by making a profile on a site like Secret Benefits.

Now, you might be wondering if it’s absolutely necessary to get on a dating app in order to start dating after divorce. In fact, you might feel especially intimidated if this is your first time on dating apps or if they didn’t exist when you entered your marriage. And to be sure, you can start dating again without using online platforms. But because online dating is incredibly popular, you’ll certainly have more luck meeting people on them than you might in the real world.

Consider working with a mental health professional

Entering the dating world again after being married is an experience that you don’t have to face alone. Seeking out the help of a mental health professional can provide you with support and a sounding board while you go through this process. And there are a few reasons why going through this route is preferable to relying solely on your friends:

• A professional will always have patience for you. As much as your friends may love you and want to help you, it is possible for them to become oversaturated from hearing you process your divorce and new dating experiences. A professional, on the other hand, is trained to listen to your stories with patience, empathy, and understanding, even if you end up saying the same thing more than once!
• Their advice will be based on clinical research versus personal experience. It can be so helpful to talk through what you’re going through with friends, but keep in mind that their advice and opinions are coming from a place of personal experience that might not apply to your situation. In contrast, a licensed professional has studied human psychology and can give advice based on academic research and professional experience.
• You might find it easier to open up to them without fear of judgment. You might not be willing to be completely open with your friends about what you went through with your ex-spouse or are going through now. But a professional will give you the space to share without judgment.

Filter out advice that doesn’t work for you

You’ve probably already found this out already, but once you start talking about dating after divorce, you might suddenly become bombarded with advice. And it can come from all directions: social media, friends, family, and even colleagues!

While much of the advice is well-meaning, and some can be helpful, don’t feel bad if you feel overwhelmed by the amount of feedback you’re getting. Here are a few things to remember about outside advice:

• Much advice from others has more to do with them than you.
• No one has all the answers about dating.
• You’re free to take what works and forget the rest.

Having a good filter for the kind of advice you absorb can help you make decisions that are true to what you actually want versus what you think you should do.

Be ready for the ways that the dating scene might have changed

One of the scariest things about dating again after being “off the market” is coming to terms with the fact that things are different, now! But, don’t get intimidated. Here are a few of the things you might have missed since you were last single:

• Dating etiquette is different these days. The last time you dated, it might have been less common for people to ghost or leave people “on read.” There might also have been less pressure to make a stellar first impression or have your opening line judged on its originality or humor. Don’t get discouraged. There are still decent, patient people who don’t fall into the common modern dating traps!
• Alternative dating styles are more common than ever. A good thing about dating today is that there’s more freedom to try different dating styles. But this might mean that you end up having to spend more time finding people who are looking for the same kind of relationship you’re interested in.
• You’ll need to be more mindful about not getting duped by AI. Unfortunately, chatbots are popping up on dating apps, so make sure that you learn how to notice red flags such as odd speech patterns or lightning speed responses.

Learn how to date for the here and now

Here’s a little secret: this is good advice for everyone, not just someone who is dating after divorce! After all, so many people struggle to enjoy the process of dating or keep things in perspective because they’re too busy worrying about the future or their own expectations for their dating life. Luckily, there are some simple ways to learn how to be more present as you get back into dating:

• Show up to every date well-rested, without distractions, and with a good attitude. It’s better to reschedule a date than show up with very little sleep or an impending work deadline that you can’t stop thinking about.
• Put your phone away.
• Remember that not every date has to mean something. In other words, try not to think about whether this person you just met is your future spouse. Instead, let go of expectations and focus on getting to know your date.
• Check in with how you’re feeling about the date. A mistake that many people make on dates is trying to be the very best version of themselves in order to impress the other person. But this can actually prevent you from tuning into how you are feeling about spending time with this potential partner! Throughout the date, check in with how this person makes you feel, what about them you like or dislike, and whether you’d like to spend more time with them.

Practice self-awareness

Sometimes, your post-divorce dating life can benefit from taking a realistic look at your patterns in relationships so that you can keep yourself from making the same mistakes. It’s not always a comfortable process, but training yourself to be self-aware in this way will help you to move forward with more confidence and intention than you might have in the past. Here are a few questions that can help you look inward as you start dating again:

• What expectations am I bringing into this relationship? Are they fair or reasonable?
• Do I clearly communicate my needs and feelings with a partner? Or do I assume that they should know without me telling them?
• Am I comparing this person or this relationship to my previous marriage?
• Do I express my feelings in a way that is constructive?
• Do I listen to absorb what the other person is saying? Or am I listening to respond and win the argument?
• Does this relationship align with my dating goals? If not, what is keeping me from changing or ending things?
• Am I able to maintain my sense of self and independence in this relationship? Or do I find myself taking on a different persona in order to make the other person happy?

Find the right boundaries around honesty and privacy

Knowing where to draw the line between being open with a new partner and maintaining a sense of privacy can be tough. You might want, for instance, to let someone you’re dating know that you’ve been married before. But that doesn’t mean that you have to share every detail about how your ex hurt you or what the terms of the divorce were or other knitty-gritty details. So, how can you know how much to share? Here are a few questions to help you find answers that make sense for you:

• What is the intention behind sharing this information? You might find yourself sharing details about yourself or your past because you see it as a way to build intimacy with a new partner. Or, you might feel that you have an ethical responsibility to share the information, especially if it may affect your new partner and your life together. And sharing in these contexts can be a healthy part of relationship-building. But, sometimes, we share details as a way to earn sympathy or have our feelings validated, and this is often not a good reason to share.
• Do I feel free and supported to share this information? You should never feel pressured or coerced into sharing details about your past if you’re not ready.
• Am I ready to accept a reaction to sharing this information that is unexpected? It’s impossible to predict how someone will receive new information, so you’ll need to be ready for reactions that surprise you. This may include giving your partner the space to digest the information on their own.

Be easy on yourself

Healing after a divorce isn’t a linear process. And, dating isn’t always going to be smooth sailing. And, your personal life isn’t always going to go according to plan. And that’s all okay. Learn how to forgive yourself along the way so that you can stay open to dating and not blame yourself for not immediately finding the next love of your life right away.

Take dating breaks

Whether you’ve been out of the dating game for a short time or many years, you’ll quickly find that it can be draining! Logistically, you’ll need to invest time and energy into meeting new people, scheduling dates, getting ready, and commuting to and from your date spot. But there’s also a huge emotional and energetic toll that comes with making yourself vulnerable, going through the ups and downs of excitement and disappointment, and caring for yourself through possible rejection.

It’s no surprise then, that burnout from dating after divorce is quite common. Here, it can be helpful to remember the mantra: learn how to rest, not to quit! Some ideas on how to rest from dating include:

• Prioritizing other activities that you enjoy.
• Focusing on dating/talking to a limited number of people (or one person) at a time.
• Removing the dating apps on your phone when you feel like you’re getting overwhelmed.
• Letting go of feelings of missing out or pressure to push through. You might be getting messages that dating is a numbers game, so you have to push yourself to keep going, otherwise you could miss out on meeting the person of your dreams. But the fact is, if you’re feeling burned out and jaded from dating, you might not be in the best mindset to meet a good match, anyway. It’s better to prioritize your health and wellbeing and re-enter the dating scene when you’re feeling better.

Perhaps most importantly of all: have fun!

Being overly serious or anxious about dating can actually prevent you from being able to make quality connections and enjoy dating after divorce. So, if there’s one piece of advice we’d like to leave you with, it’s to find a way to make it fun!