Signs You're Dating a Narcissist

If you’ve been concerned about some of your partner’s behaviors recently, it’s worth looking into some of the common signs you’re dating a narcissist. This will give you clarity about whether or not you’re dealing with a toxic personality so that you can decide your next steps.

In this article, we’re going to talk about 7 of the most common symptoms of narcissism and what you can do if you think your partner falls into this category.

1: They have an inflated sense of self-importance

The term narcissist derives from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a man who falls so wildly in love with his own reflection that he forgets to eat or sleep and eventually dies from starvation and thirst. And while it’s an exaggerated version of a true narcissist, a grandiose sense of self is a key element of the condition. And, it can manifest in the following ways:

• Thinking of themselves as smarter than or superior to everyone else.
• Being obsessed with appearances and self-image.
• Competitiveness that is rooted in the belief that they are more talented than their peers.
• Confidence in their ability to do new things, regardless of previous experiences.

Of course, self-confidence is not an inherently toxic trait. But as we’ll see in the following examples, a narcissist’s sense of self often leads them to engage in harmful behavior.

2: They believe that the world owes them

Narcissists often are described as entitled, and this stems from a core belief that the world owes them something, be it wealth, recognition, or pleasure. As you can guess, this can play out quite negatively in a relationship, and you might notice patterns of behavior such as:

• The narcissist pressuring you for certain favors. Whether they’re guilting you into doing their laundry or pressuring you into physical intimacy, you may feel obligated to perform a variety of tasks that you might not agree to on your own.
• Irrational anger when they don’t get what they want. Narcissists have a hard time losing, so if they’ve been passed over for a promotion or are stuck in traffic, they’ll often take it as a personal offense. This stems from a lack of empathy that would allow them to understand that many people go through similar challenges.
• Manipulation tactics to get ahead. Narcissists are often able to rationalize certain manipulative behaviors that will allow them to win out in the end. This can look like sabotaging a colleague because they see them as undeserving or secretly making decisions on their own that impact both of you.

3: They act in their own self-interest, always

As we’ve mentioned, narcissists struggle with empathy. And that’s not to say that everyone with this condition is completely devoid of empathy, but rather that they’re likely to prioritize their own self-interests. This can look like:

• Disrespecting your boundaries. Let’s say that one of your boundaries is that you don’t enjoy physical touch in public. Instead of respecting your personal space, a narcissist might guilt you by saying that they don’t feel loved and appreciated unless you engage in physical affection in public.
• Trying to “team up” with your loved ones. A narcissist may reach out to your loved ones with a feigned interest in your well-being. In reality, this can be a manipulation tactic to skew the reality in their favor and gain influence.
• Not including you in their decision-making processes. A narcissist will act independently, especially when they think your desires won’t be aligned with their own. This might look like saying yes to a work trip even though you already had plans and then claiming that they had no choice.
• Small and big lies. White lies should be a red flag in a relationship, because in some cases, they can hint at a more general comfortability with avoiding the truth. For example, if you see your partner lying to their boss about why they were late or lying to a service worker at a restaurant to get their food compensated, ask yourself whether this is a habit that could also be affecting your relationship.
• Expecting that you will make sacrifices for them without being willing to make sacrifices for you. A narcissist is skilled at demanding that those around them make sacrifices that benefit them. For example, your partner may expect that you cancel your plans with friends to spend time with them or that you take care of them when they’re sick even if it means you have to take time off work. But, when the roles are reversed, the narcissist will almost never reciprocate, unless they’re doing so to preserve their self-image.

4: They struggle to express genuine remorse

A narcissist's inner world can feel like a continual game of strategy. And this is evident when they’re in a position of having to admit guilt. In fact, an argument with a narcissist may include the following elements:

· Denial and deflection. A narcissist’s first line of defense will be to deny that they’ve done anything wrong. They may tell you that you’re remembering things incorrectly or that there’s no evidence of what they’re being accused of.

· Scorekeeping. Another deflection tactic will be to bring up a score that they’ve been keeping in their own head to use as ammunition in an argument. They may say things like, “Well, I forgot our anniversaries but you didn’t call my mother on her birthday.”

· Irrelevant details. Bringing in irrelevant details and past arguments can be a way to muddy the waters and confuse you. They may say things like, “You’re always accusing me of something, like that one time when I came home late and…etc.”

· Conditional apologies. Often, once a narcissist has been backed into a corner enough to have to apologize, it will come with conditions that allow them to maintain a certain level of power. They may say something like “I’ll admit that I did X wrong if you’ll also admit that I only did it because you did X.” As you can see, this isn’t actually an apology but rather a negotiation tactic.

· Apologies that don’t include an admission of guilt. Another typical form of apology that a narcissist will use is one that removes genuine guilt. This can look like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry that you interpreted it that way,” instead of admitting that they did harm.

· Promises to change without actual intentions. When a narcissist finally realizes that they will have to make amends in order to save the relationship, they may do so with false promises. If they make promises that they do not follow through on, this is an indication that they were doing it as a way to gain favor and end the argument instead of feeling actual remorse.

5: They are jealous of your success or attention

Often, narcissists struggle with deeply rooted insecurity that can manifest in needing to tear down those who threaten their inflated self-image. In a relationship, this can take the form of:

• Dismissing or minimizing your accomplishments. They may qualify your success by saying things like, “Of course you got the promotion, look at how lazy your coworkers are” or similar statements that take away from your accomplishments.
• Making a competition out of your accomplishments. This can take the form of malicious jokes, such as, “Well, now that you’ve been promoted, you’ll get a little taste of the kind of stress I have to deal with every day.”
• Overstating their role in your success. A narcissist may center themselves on your accomplishments by talking about how much they helped you achieve your goals.
• Taking the spotlight. This can look like making a lengthy speech during your celebration dinner or bragging about how they picked such an accomplished partner instead of genuinely congratulating you for your success.

6: They may try to isolate you from your support network

One of the most dangerous habits of a narcissist is the tendency to isolate their partner from their support network. This allows the narcissist more control and influence, as their partner won’t have access to other perspectives.

In some cases, a narcissist will do this through the use of manipulation tactics, such as trying to build alliances with your loved ones. They can later use this as ammunition, making claims like, “Even your sister is on my side.” Or, if that doesn’t work, they may create conflict that puts distance between you and your loved ones, by saying, “Your mom is just trying to break us up.”

In other cases, a narcissist will use physical distance in order to isolate you. This can look like convincing you to move to a new part of town or another city, state, or even country so that you are forced to rely more heavily on the relationship.

7: They threaten to break up with you, often

Threatening to break up is a common tactic used by narcissists and can accomplish a number of goals for them, such as:

• Raising the stakes. We humans don’t make sound decisions when we feel stressed or pressured, so by turning up the emotional volume, they may benefit from their partner’s panicked response.
• Tapping into their partner’s fears of abandonment. A narcissist may know that their partner has abandonment issues from a past relationship or childhood trauma.
• Giving themselves the upper hand. The narcissist may know that the relationship is about to end anyway or have their own fears of abandonment. So, they may threaten to leave in order to feel more in control of the situation.
• Consistently moving the goalpost. Every time that a narcissist threatens to leave and is “persuaded to stay” because their partner cedes the argument, they’ve moved the goalpost a little further in their favor. By winning the small battle, in other words, they’ve now primed their partner to be progressively more submissive to their demands in the future.

Why are people drawn to narcissists in the first place?

If you’ve never dealt with a narcissist, it can be easy to wonder how anyone could fall into their trap. And, after reading these 7 signs of narcissism in relationships, they sound like pretty intolerable people, don’t they? But in reality, there are a number of valid reasons why someone would be drawn to a relationship with a narcissist initially, including:

• Their attraction to confidence and ambition. The reality is, that many narcissists are successful, powerful people with outgoing personalities. So, it’s easy to see why someone might be attracted to them.
• Love bombing. Although we didn’t mention it in our 7 signs that you’re dating a narcissist, love bombing is a common tactic that these individuals will use to woo someone. They may use accelerated emotional bonding, praise, and a showering of gifts to make the person feel special. In fact, they’re able to take advantage of the flood of oxytocin a person feels when they receive this kind of attention from someone new.
• A person’s own lack of self-confidence. Unfortunately, narcissists tend to gravitate toward people who are vulnerable to manipulation because of their own low self-confidence.
• They grew up with a narcissistic parent. A person’s early childhood experience can have a profound impact on the partner they choose in adulthood. And someone who grew up with a narcissist may choose a narcissist as a partner out of familiarity.

Can someone recover from narcissism?

This is a matter of some debate, as some professionals view narcissistic personality disorder as an incurable condition while others see it as a pattern of behavior stemming from childhood trauma that can be addressed and reversed.

Ultimately, it depends on the motivations of the individual to want to change themselves. In order to do so, they must be willing to:

• Understand that their narcissism is a problem.
• Consider the possible root causes of their narcissism.
• Work with a therapist to reflect on their behaviors and core beliefs.
• Work on building up their empathy.
• Create a continual practice of self-reflection to ensure that the narcissistic tendencies aren’t guiding the person’s decision-making and behaviors.

While there is hope for a narcissist to change their ways, many professionals remain skeptical. And, if you’re currently in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, it’s not a good idea to continue accepting poor behavior because of hopes that they’ll change. Instead, change often comes after something called a narcissistic collapse, in which a narcissist’s behaviors have caused them to lose total control, sense of self, or reputation. Once they’ve hit this figurative rock bottom, they must come to terms with the fact that their way of being is not aligned with their goals.

What should you do if you think your partner is a narcissist?

As you can see, there are many valid reasons why someone might fall into the habit of dating narcissists. So, if you’ve found yourself dating one, don’t blame yourself. Instead, consider taking the following steps:

• Talk to a professional. Having the right licensed therapist to help you navigate a relationship with a narcissist can be life-changing.
• Start creating a separate life with a separate support system. This can feel intimidating if the narcissist in your life has alienated you from your loved ones, but having your own support system is crucial. Reach back out to people who you’ve been distanced from and tell them the truth about what you’re going through.
• Connect yourself with other people who have gone through the experience. Learning from and feeling connected to other people who have gotten out of narcissistic relationships can be helpful. You might find this community on an online forum or by attending an in-person support group in your area.
• Use the grey rock method. As we’ve mentioned, narcissists will use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and gain control of the relationship. You can take away a lot of their power with the grey rock method, in which you train yourself to be neutral, distant, and unaffected by their methods.
• Decide what your best mode of action is. Are you planning on ending the relationship? If so, what will that look like? Will you cut off communication entirely? Will you move out of a shared living space? Be very specific about your plans so that they’re easier to stick with once things start to get emotional.
• Be prepared for backlash. Often, narcissists will ramp up their toxic behaviors when they feel that they are losing control. Make sure that you have a plan to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe during this process. Having a list of reasons why this relationship is not serving you is also a good way to stay committed to your decision to leave in the case that the narcissist uses manipulation tactics to try to get you to stay.
• Understand that it’s never too late to choose your own well-being. Sadly, many people find it hard to break up with a narcissist once and for all. And if you’re in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, you might find it harder and harder to choose yourself after every go-round. Remember that it’s never too late to break old patterns and create a new, healthier life for yourself.

Now that you know the signs that you’re dating a narcissist, it’s time to take your next steps

Realizing that you’ve been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist is emotionally upsetting and difficult. But, it’s also an important first step in building a healthier, happier life for yourself. So, we hope that now that you’re aware of the common signs you’re dating a narcissist, you’ll feel more prepared to move forward!