Is your social media relationship helping or hindering your dating life? It’s a question on the minds of single folk and couples, alike!
In this article, we’ll talk about everything from social media dating to online burnout to apps that can help you rekindle your in-person connections. By the end, you’ll be able to decide how much you’d like the digital world to play a role in your romantic life, and follow some practical steps towards being more intentional with your social media presence.
Let’s start with the good
Don’t worry, we’ll get to the valid critiques of social media in a bit. But for now, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the positive impact that the online world has had on dating, such as:
An array of options that would otherwise be unavailable to you
Social media has truly opened the world to us in terms of dating options. From online dating apps to the chance to reconnect with an old flame in the DMs, romance is quite literally at our fingertips.
While this can be something of a double-edged sword, it’s also a huge benefit.
The ability to vet people before meeting them
Not only has social media given us more romantic options than ever before, but also the ability to check for compatibility before meeting in person. Imagine the disappointment of being set up on a blind date with someone before the days of the internet and realizing within the first five minutes that you have absolutely nothing in common. Nowadays, you can look through someone’s social media and talk with them as much as you’d like before agreeing to a date so that you don’t waste your time.
The ability to connect over shared interests
Maybe you have a specific fandom, interest, or—let’s not be shy—kink that you would never be able to explore with people in your in-person social network. But, online communities have created spaces where people from all over the world can tap into the unique parts of their personality and connect with like-minded individuals.
It’s not just singles who can benefit from online community-building! Couples interested in exploring open relationships, threesomes, and other experiences may feel more comfortable seeking out these kinds of non-traditional connections online.
The chance to meet people outside of your town or city
Social media has given us the power to communicate over vast distances. And this is an opportunity that was unheard of just a few decades ago! What it has meant for romance is that you might be able to find your one true love one state away, or one continent away. In other words, whether you started out as online pen pals or met while on vacation, distance is no longer a deal-breaker!
Increased visibility around certain dating pitfalls and experiences
Another benefit of social media in modern dating is the way that it allows us to share our experiences of dating in general.
On the one hand, it can be validating to watch other single people go through their journey of self-discovery while looking for the right romantic partner. Couples can also learn from others online about how to build their relationship.
And on the other hand, social media can serve as a platform for sharing warnings about certain types of problematic behavior. Indeed, dating advice reels and TikToks are highly popular because they can feel like a roadmap for navigating relationships and avoiding red flags. There are even online communities dedicated to exposing individuals who are dangerous or dishonest.
The ability to publically share your positive feelings about your partner
While the benefits we’ve covered so far have related to dating, social media can also benefit those already in romantic relationships. After all, being able to share important moments such as engagements, pregnancies, anniversaries and more is a way for couples to celebrate one another and show their appreciation.
Online content that allows for personal growth and relationship-building
Information sharing is easier now than ever before, and that has the potential for singles and couples to learn more about what they enjoy and want in their connections. For example, it’s easy to find content creators covering topics like love languages, first date tips, sexual exploration ideas, strategies for long-distance relationships, and much much more.
Now for the bad: Is social media ruining your love life?
Even though there are many ways that social media can be helpful in our romantic lives, there’s no denying that it’s not all good news! In particular, it’s important to note the following potential drawbacks of being chronically online:
The paradox of choice
In 2004, Barry Schwartz published a book called The Paradox of Choice—Why More is Less and his main theory was that when humans are offered many choices, we are more likely to be dissatisfied with our decisions later on. One possible explanation for this is that the more potentially desirable options we have to choose from, the more we obsess about the missed opportunities that we might have eliminated by making our decision.
This has been reported by people with experience on dating apps, who feel like there is a constant pull to seek out “better” options. It may also lead to a weaker connection with matches because there’s always the promise of someone else.
The highlight reel effect
Another studied impact of social media is the bombardment of curated images, videos, and captions. Most of what we see online is the content that the creator chose to share, not their full reality. This can lead to the impression that everyone you see on social media is doing great, whether it be in their personal, professional, or romantic life.
Put another way, getting swept up in the comparison game between our own lives and the false image presented online often leaves us feeling like failures. And it’s not always easy to remember that the game is rigged.
The gamification of dating
One major critique of online dating apps is that they profit off of having large, active user bases. And there are many tactics that app developers may rely on to keep their users engaged.
One tactic is called gamification, and refers to the features on many dating apps that tap into our reward centers. Things like the act of swiping or receiving notifications about rewards and matches give us a similar sensation to the instant gratification of playing a game. Some experts theorize that this could have the effect of making online dating feel less realistic or consequential while also keeping us hooked on the app and wanting more online stimulation.
The monetization of dating apps
Another shift that has experts worried is the monetization of dating apps. By keeping certain features behind a paywall, dating can become less accessible to the general population. In this kind of environment, the ability to pay for access becomes prioritized over genuine connection or compatibility.
The lack of non-verbal cues
For both single people and couples, online conversations pose significant barriers to meaningful and healthy communication. That’s because, whether you’re getting to know someone through DMs or trying to stay connected with a significant other over text, the lack of non-verbal cues can lead to miscommunications and a feeling of disconnect.
Loss of uninterrupted connection
Distraction is another huge barrier that social media puts in the way of our romantic relationships. It can be very difficult to maintain the level of eye contact, active listening, and presence needed to bond with someone when there’s a screen in the way. Even if you’re not actively on your phone during an in-person conversation, the pull of wanting to check the phone or listen for a notification can get in the way of living in the moment with your significant other.
General burn-out
Burnout from social media can have a range of impacts on our romantic relationships.
For single people, the cycle of matching with a new person, making small talk over text, going on dates, and not progressing past the getting-to-know-you stage can be emotionally and physically exhausting.
And for everyone, whether you’re in a relationship or not, the constant stimulation from being on a computer at work, keeping up with group chats, DMs with friends, scrolling social media, and other technology overload can lead to burnout that makes connection and conversation feel overwhelming.
How can singles make the most of social media?
Given that apps can offer pros and cons for dating and life in general, how can you make sure that you maintain a healthy social media relationship as a single person? Here are a few ways that you can make social media work for you:
Be selective about the apps you download
You don’t have to be on Tinder just because it’s the most widely used dating app. And you don’t have to be on Instagram just because all your friends are on it. Really think about what apps will add to your life and align with your personal goals (there are even apps that you can download that can limit your time on your phone) and then delete everything else.
Make the algorithm work for you
Whether it’s your social media app or your online dating profile, be mindful about what you feed the algorithm of that particular platform. For instance, want to see less dating advice and more cute puppy videos on TikTok? Actively seek out that content and skip over or opt out of videos that don’t fit your preferences. Likewise, make sure that your online dating profile bio accurately and clearly reflects what you’re looking for in a partner so that, hopefully, the algorithm will only send you matches that align with your dating goals.
Have plenty of distractions from your distraction
Making yourself busy with hobbies, activities, and social engagements that keep you off your phone is a great way to have a healthier social media relationship. After all, you’ll be happier when you spend the majority of your time off your phone. In-person activities will also allow you to lower the risk of technology burnout so that the time you spend on dating apps or social media will feel more manageable and even enjoyable.
We would recommend that you fill your free time with activities that make checking your phone difficult. The list of possibilities is endless, including pottery classes, swimming, hiking in areas with limited cell service, movies and live performances, learning an instrument, taking language or dance classes, breadmaking, spin class, and more.
Ask for support
Some psychology experts worry that social media has an addictive effect on the brain, which can make stepping back from it difficult. If you’re struggling to have a healthier social media relationship, it might be worth talking to a professional about how to set reasonable goals and feel supported as you make the necessary changes in your life.
How can couples create a healthy social media relationship?
As we’ve covered, social media can be a double-edged sword in relationships. So, how can you make sure that it’s doing more good than harm in your partnership?
Check in with your partner about how you feel about your social media relationship
You and your partner may or may not be on the same page when it comes to your social media usage, so this is definitely something you’ll want to talk about. This is a good opportunity to get vulnerable about some of the ways that social media might be negatively affecting you and your connection to your partner. And, you can talk about options for being more intentional about social media in order to prioritize and strengthen your bond.
Use social media intentionally
Even if you’ve realized that your current social media usage isn’t healthy for your relationship, that doesn’t mean that you both should chuck your phones out the window. Instead, think about practical ways that you can change your social media relationship. Maybe, for instance, the two of you can sign up for an app dedicated to building healthy relationships. Or, perhaps you can provide each other with gentle reminders when you see the other one falling into an endless reel-watching session or checking your phone during dinner.
Plan no-phone dates or time blocks to enhance in-person connection
You might have heard the phrase “never stop dating your partner,” as a way to ensure that your relationship stays fresh and exciting no matter how long you’ve been together. And, you can take this sentiment to heart when thinking about your social media usage. Early on in dating, for instance, you might have considered it rude for your date to be on their phone during your meal instead of engaging you in conversation. So, consider whether it would benefit you to have the same mindset when dating now. You might even bring a list of conversation questions or a table game so that you can enjoy each other’s presence instead of simply being physically next to each other.
Be careful not to let social media be a wall between you
As we recommended for single people, it can be helpful for couples struggling to build healthy social media habits to talk to a professional. Having a third person to talk through these challenges can be a huge benefit.
How confident do you feel about changing your social media relationship?
There’s no denying that social media has potential benefits to our lives, introducing us to new people, connecting us to loved ones afar, and even helping us understand ourselves better. But unless we want to live a completely social media-free life, we need to think about how to have a healthy relationship with the digital world to avoid pitfalls.
So, with these tips and tricks, how will you change your social media relationship?
