Casual sugar dating boundaries are a good idea for anyone interested in a short-term relationship or friends-with-benefits kind of situation. And whether you’ve had experiences with casual connections or are trying them for the first time, you might not be sure where to start when setting intentional boundaries and guidelines.
In this article, we’ll cover some key components to healthy relationships without a long-term commitment so that you can feel confident meeting your next match!
Are boundaries really necessary for short-term dating?
You might assume that because you’re engaging in short-term flings, boundaries are irrelevant. After all, don’t boundaries sound like something that long-term couples do when they’re having “the talk” about their relationship? If this has been your perspective, you might see boundaries as essentially rules or contracts, which can feel restrictive.
But, let’s broaden our understanding of what a boundary is a bit. In reality, boundaries are simply a way for you to have more control over how you’re treated by a partner. Some boundaries, in fact, are personal: they let you know whether you should remove yourself from a situation so that you don’t accept unfair treatment. Others are signals to the other person, whether you just met them or have known them a long time, that you expect to be treated respectfully.
Having clear boundaries in short-term sugaring, then, is just as important as having them in long-term commitments. Let’s talk about how to set them to elevate your sugaring practice!
First set of boundaries: Communication
Communication is an essential part of any successful sugar relationship, no matter how long it lasts. Here are a few ways to think about boundaries for communication:
In your DMs
The first interactions that you’ll have with a sugar partner is in your direct messages. So, consider some red and green flags when it comes to these first conversations.
Red flags, for instance, would be messages that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, as well as disrespectful commentary about your bio or profile picture. You should also keep an eye out for potential scams, such as messages asking for your bank information or personal details. And in more of a grey area, a red flag could be the vibe that you get from chatting with someone online that gives you the impression that they’re not serious or interested in moving things along.
Green flags, on the other hand, would be consistent communication, a friendly tone, and genuine interest in you and getting to know you.
So, what does boundary-setting look like at this early stage? It could simply mean that you stop talking to people who show red flags and focus solely on those with green flags!
Setting up a first date
You and a potential partner will have to have good communication in order to schedule your first meet & greet. After all, we all have busy lives, so you’ll probably need to do some back-and-forth to find a time that works for both of you.
One of your boundaries in this area might be that you don’t pursue someone who is too inflexible about their schedule or tries to pressure you into meeting them at a time and place that is inconvenient or unsafe for you.
Negotiations
Whether you consider yourself an expert negotiator or dread this part of your sugaring practice, having some clear boundaries can help make the process smoother and more efficient. Here are a few tips for boundary-setting in negotiations:
- Be very clear about what you want and are willing to compromise on before having the negotiation talk.
- Don’t accept being interrupted or steamrolled.
- Decide whether you want to have an exclusive or non-exclusive sugar relationship.
- Don’t say yes to anything that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace.
- Make sure that you are both crystal-clear about the agreement before ending the conversation.
Negotiations can feel uncomfortable if you’re not accustomed to them. But tune into times when you feel manipulated, pressured, or invalidated by a potential partner. Remember that one of your best boundaries is to walk away when you feel disrespected, and the negotiation phase is a good first look into how a potential partner will treat you moving forward.
Communication between dates
Establish with a potential partner how much communication you’d like to have between in-person or virtual dates. Would you prefer that they only contact you in order to set up your next meet-up? Or, are you okay with ongoing conversation and check-ins?
Lateness or change of plans
This is one of those casual sugar dating boundaries that many people overlook, but it’s important! Remember that just because you have a casual relationship doesn’t mean that it’s not important to honor each other’s time! So, if your partner is consistently late or changes plans on you, consider whether it’s worth continuing to see them.
In-person boundaries
When it comes to meeting someone in person, you’ll want to pay close attention to a few important boundaries:
Safety
Boundaries can help keep you safe when meeting someone new, so consider implementing the following:
- Only scheduling meet & greets during the day.
- Choose a meet & greet location that is public.
- Meeting in a part of town that you know well and can navigate on your own.
- Not getting in the car with someone you don’t know well.
- Not sharing personal information such as your home address.
Remember that no matter what, you’re free to leave a date if you don’t feel comfortable. So, always follow your intuition and don’t feel pressured to go against the boundaries that are in place to keep you safe!
PDA
Everyone has their own level of comfort when it comes to public displays of affection, so talk to a potential partner about your views on the subject. You might be open to holding hands, hugging, and even kissing while out on a date. Or, you might not want any physical contact.
Nature of the date
Another boundary to clarify is what the nature of the date will be. How much time, for instance, have you blocked out for the date? Does the date involve only indoor activities, such as a restaurant or movie, or will you be doing something more active, like going for a hike? Moreover, is there an expectation of intimacy?
In a traditional relationship, these questions might be left unsaid in order to allow for spontaneity or flow. But when it comes to sugaring, it’s best to set up boundaries about what the date includes so that you can know what you’re getting into.
Physical intimacy boundaries
One of the most important boundaries you can set in sugaring has to do with your comfort regarding physical intimacy. And in a casual relationship, you’ll need to be very clear up front about what level of intimacy you’re looking for and whether that will make up the majority of your dates or only a part. Some questions to ask a partner when setting up these kinds of boundaries could be:
- What role do you see physical intimacy playing in this relationship?
- What measures will you take to protect the physical health and hygiene of your partner?
- Do you feel comfortable implementing a safe word to pause interactions?
- Are there any desires or fantasies that your partner should know before you become intimate?
Follow-up dates and ongoing connection
Even though a sugar relationship may be casual, it can still take place over multiple dates and an extended period of time. If you see your casual connection lasting more than a few dates, it can be helpful to implement casual sugar dating boundaries such as:
Maintaining a comfortable level of privacy
If you only plan on seeing a sugar partner once or a handful of times, you’ll likely find it easier to maintain privacy. But, if you decide to continue the connection, you’ll want to think about how to keep your private life separate from your sugaring life. Here are a few ideas for boundaries regarding privacy:
- Let your partner know which conversation topics are off-limits.
- Don’t share personal details about your life.
- Continue to use a protected messaging platform instead of texting from your personal number.
- Have a plan for if you run into someone you know in public, or if you run into each other when you’re not on a date.
Dealing with conflict
Many people are drawn to casual relationships because they view them as simpler and more straightforward than long-term commitments. But the truth is, any kind of relationship can come with some conflict that will need to be addressed. For example, you may have competing schedules that can cause frustration. Or, you might have different ideas about how to balance physical intimacy with planning dates and activities.
It’s important not to sweep these problems under the rug just because you think that casual means smooth sailing all the time. Instead, consider introducing the following boundaries for healthy conflict resolution:
- Talk about conflicts directly instead of relying on passive aggression or avoidance.
- Always use respectful language when talking through conflicts.
- If emotions become heated, take time to cool off before coming back to the conversation.
- Make sure that both parties are actively working towards a middle ground instead of trying to win arguments or get the upper hand.
Renegotiating terms
If you casually date someone for a while, you may come to a moment when renegotiation is necessary. Maybe, for instance, you experience changes in finances that may affect the terms of the relationship. Or, you might have a change in scheduling that will require you to find a different time for dates.
No matter how your relationship is likely to shift, make sure to talk about potential changes as soon as possible so that you can start renegotiating.
Navigating changing feelings
In some circumstances, developing romantic feelings towards a casual partner is a disaster. In other cases, it can be the start of a happy, healthy relationship! But it’s important to put certain boundaries in place in order to reduce potential harm.
For instance, you might have a boundary that if one person begins to develop feelings, you’ll mutually agree to end the relationship altogether. Or, you may decide to change the dynamics so that you’re able to maintain emotional distance or begin a committed relationship. In other words, having a plan in place for this possibility is a good way to cut down on confusion.
How to deal with crossed boundaries
No matter how clear and thoughtful your boundaries may be, a partner may intentionally or unintentionally cross them. And, knowing what to do in that situation is just as important as having boundaries in the first place! So, here are a few final tips for establishing and maintaining casual sugar dating boundaries:
Reiterate your boundaries, calmly
The first time that your boundary is crossed, you might be able to chalk it up to simple confusion or a small mistake. For instance, maybe your partner calls you during work hours when you told them before that you don’t want to have contact when you’re in the office. In this scenario, you can send a friendly message that clarifies your boundary, such as “I see that you called. Please remember that I will be unavailable to receive calls during my work hours, so I would appreciate it if you do not call me during that time. I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m off!”
This calm, non-confrontational approach is a good way to stick to your boundaries while giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. After all, they may have forgotten when your work hours were!
Let your partner know how you will respond if they continue crossing your boundaries
Now, if you’ve already had to reiterate your boundary and your partner continues to cross it, you’ll need to be firmer about setting limitations. This might look like letting your partner know that you’ll need to make certain changes if they can’t respect your boundary.
Let’s say, for instance, that a partner is trying to learn more about your personal life even though you told them that you’d rather keep that information separate from your sugar partner. In this case, you can say something like, “I’ve already let you know that I’m not willing to talk about that. If you continue to ask me, I would rather end this date/conversation/phone call.”
Remove yourself from situations in which your boundaries are continually crossed
One of the trickiest things about maintaining your boundaries is knowing when it’s appropriate to walk away. You are, after all, human, and may find yourself in situations in which you allow a partner to cross certain boundaries (such as asking you about your work or family, for example) because it’s easier to give in than have a potential conflict.
If this is something you struggle with, consider practicing with a friend, loved one, or therapist on how you might respond to a certain behavior from a partner. This will make you feel more empowered to say what needs to be said in the moment.
Remember that there are many potential partners out there waiting to meet you! So, if someone is constantly trying to manipulate or get around your boundaries, walk away. No matter what your relationship looks like, you deserve to have your casual sugar dating boundaries respected!
